random acts of blog "The Things We Think, But Do Not Say"



Sunday, August 29, 2004 :::
 

the view from my balcony at sunset. :-) what ya see is actually part of the school i went to kindergarten in. what ya don't see is the "canyon" in between my home and the school. Posted by Hello

::: posted by sugar at 1:57 AM


 
wow i haven't been here in ages.

i have a bunch of random reasons for getting wrapped in Xanga the last several months...but i would've been insane to leave my original blog behind! hehe

it's a strange nite of sorts. the music's going, sitting at the computer with no other lights on...the house is asleep...and i'm up late writing.

the difference is...it's a different city. different computer, although the heart of the old one is inside the newer one. i wouldn't even be in here right now if my brother wasn't in tahoe. my sister is in washington d.c. for a few days...and here i am.

so i'm back to school again. it was so creepy that first class meeting. but i couldn't help feeling like a scarred war veteran in there. this sophomore sitting in front of me had a bunch of questions, and she wasn't getting on my nerves at all but she kept apologizing for bothering me. she said it was her 5th semester. in some ways, she reminds me of me during my 5th semester. her name is jacqueline, and she said she's been at state since the beginning. as for me, my fifth semester was at skyline i think...yeah. if my memory works anymore, i'm pretty sure i did exactly 2 years at csm before moving.

it's sad to say, but i would give anything to reclaim those days. very un-PC and un-strong-willed. i can predict that i will be spending the next __ days/weeks/months trying to reverse/ignore that feeling.

i had to drive my sister to the airport this morning, and on the way home, i did the unthinkable. i passed the house. it was nerve-wrecking because if i was seen, i would have no way whatsoever of justifying my being there. it's not a main road, and it would sound so fake if i used bunny as an excuse. it was 7am! plus i looked like hell. i still insist that any sort of meeting should involve me looking fabulous. lol.

i didn't recognize any of the cars parked in the driveway, but that doesn't mean that there are new people living there. i really didn't think further ahead about it....pure impulse. but i wish The Rascal had been with me...she was the one who taught me about drive-bys in the first place. lol! i wonder what ever happened to her.

i've been playing this song from Garden State over and over...."Let Go" by Frou Frou...it's the most recent trailer song. i love that movie. i love this song. her voice and the melody...harmony...background music...i feel like it's literally reaching into my heart and pumping it. there are only a few other songs that i can say that about. on the other hand, i feel fortunate that i can use those words to describe anything.

i think those of us on these diary websites take the following for granted - we know how to express ourselves...although some in more developed forms than others, but you get the picture. just like there are those who struggle with driving w/manual transmissions or throwing a football straight, there are so many people who lack the ability to express themselves. then, there are those who simply, "can't write." the turtle is like that...or so he says. he's good at times.

i'm blessed and cursed with the habit/ability/passion of crafting sentences that turn into paragraphs that turn into conversations. even when i'm writing letters or essays, it feels like a conversation, albeit a structured one. (i'll never forget how francine complimented me on that. i still consider that one of my top compliments of my life.) i get turned on (in a sense, let's keep it clean ppl!) by a well-constructed thought, always been like that. i think it's so beautiful and we as human beings are so lucky to be able to have complex thoughts. it doesn't mean i need 50cent jeaopardy words and high-falutent topics. i wish i could explain, but there are no absolutes to this...grr... actually, simplicity is an absolute in this case. "simply complex", as my favorite paradox goes.

anyway, i'm sure i've made my point by now. and if i haven't, rambling further isn't gonna help. lol.

i sometimes think about how reading was and is my outlet. when i couldn't play outside, when i couldn't identify with anyone around me...books were there. my comfort, my warm blanket. reading is fundamental muthafucka! i know that because i read, i write better...i know more...i understand more. i bought celine a copy of judy blume's just as long as we're together, and it's sequel (which i didn't read cuz it came later) introducing rachel robinson. even now, at my age, i'd read them both. lol. but anyway, i was just so happy that she enjoyed the first one so much she finished it in a matter of days, and is now working on the second.

those kids mean so damn much to me, i swear. i can't help but want to shape and protect them from anything and everything....and to also try and allow them to LIVE so they feel confident and free and of course happy. but they're not my children and i have to respect that. they're also growing up by the minute and i have to respect that as well. i know i needed time and space at their age, which i barely got...and i want more for them. i'm pretty sure it'll be a different ballgame when they're MY children...but until then this is "bad" enough. ;-)

ok iTunes says i've been listening to frou frou 17 times now. that's about enough, aye?


::: posted by sugar at 12:53 AM



Friday, March 05, 2004 :::
 
blah blah blah...(when's the coffee gonna kick in...)

I'm working for The Company again today...the things I do for money...10-14 hour blitzes for a few days...then comes the ever-awesome humungaloid paycheck which I'd LOVE to think was totally mine...then I remember the taxes that I'm responsible for calculating and then I *sigh*.

it's a common thing for ppl nowadays to poke fun at our obsession to be "connected" digitally...but you'd be surprised how strung out you get when your internet access becomes restricted. not as in "you can't go online" in the sense that you're not allowed. as in "unable". when i get home from work, i can't go barging into my brother's room to use the desktop, and my sister brought the laptop to Dallas (naturally) for her business trip. so i only really have this small window of opportunity in the early hours of the office, before everyone else comes in. plus the files i'm working on are taking forever to process...so i'm using the downtime to process my own brain. (haha, sounds futile doesn't it.)

random sampling of the noise in my head...i promise to update this with links...the ambitious can simply Google it and get the same results...

the upcoming presidential election.
i'm a party loyal democrat, and it's about damn time that the bushes get the fcuk out of the white house. when it comes to 21st century politics, my polling place logic drifts towards "the lesser of two evils"...but i'm really bummed that we're having to discuss our options as "the person most likely to beat bush in november." true, this is strategic thinking. but wouldn't it be nice if we could just say "y'know _____ is a really kick ass guy and if he were president he could really make a difference." i was watching meet the press the other day and they were saying that edwards could never be a logical choice for vice president because (paraphrased) "kerry shouldn't choose someone that's a more charismatic speaker than him". WTF! that so sucks to hear something like that. then they showed footage of the florida dood that was their top choice, because he can help kerry swing a state that's 1)typically ambivalent betw. democrats/republicans, 2)home to jeb bush, who not only has been senator since the beginning of time, he's related to...yeah.

::: posted by sugar at 9:32 AM



Tuesday, February 24, 2004 :::
 
please click on this link! i'm trying to win a guitar autographed by Linkin Park, and every unique click helps! LOL, i'm sure some completely obsessive person is going to have better odds than me. but i'm gonna try anyway, demmit!



thank you!

::: posted by sugar at 1:18 PM



Wednesday, February 18, 2004 :::
 
thanks, VH1!

although cameron diaz gets paid $40 meeeeeelion dollars per year, eats JUNK and doesn't work out, is justin timberlake's gf, etc etc etc. . . she actually has to work really hard to maintain her skin.

that's comforting. reminds us that famous people are indeed, people. :-)

::: posted by sugar at 11:29 PM


 
for sentimental reasons, this is still my preferred blog...but for some reason i've been using the other one lately. if you wanna know where it is, just lemme know. most of the VIPs know anyway. lol

thanks to the ppl that actually bookmark this, whether you post comments or not, i know who (most of) you are! :-)

::: posted by sugar at 3:48 PM



Thursday, January 29, 2004 :::
 
[you guys wouldn't believe how many "draft" posts i have. blogger never shoulda made that an option, it appeals to my indecisive side!]

2,890,800

thanks to "seasons of love" from RENT (one of my favorite musicals of all time), i was able to very quickly calculate the number of minutes contained in 5.5 years.

Five and a half years.

My room has never been this messy, and as I sit at my desk and view the chaos I call "packing for the move"...I'm already moved - emotionally, that is.

I'm running out of time. In 24 hours my parents will begin their drive down here to pick me up. To take everything (that will fit into the full-size rental car) and bring me back home. I don't think I've felt as conflicted as I do in this moment in time. I'm looking back at what has been and what could have been, even what still could be. And in front of me is the promise of other, similarly wonderful things that can and will happen...mingled with the obvious challenges and sacrifices that come standard with the wonderful.

I'm sifting through clothes to give away, wondering what will happen to them once they leave my possession. I'd like to believe that someone with much less in the world than me will benefit from them. Another layer against the cold. Part of someone's cute outfit that they were able to piece together in the bargain bin. The majority of my non-fitting, gorgeous and once-expensive BR work shirts went to another Kristina...may she wear them in good health. I have things which I know have no monetary value, some things that would get laughed at on the counter of a Buffalo Exchange, and some things I can't believe I'm giving away. But it all has to go. Either it will take ages for me to fit into them again, I wore them too much already, or it's out of style. *shrugs*

Everything is associated with a memory. I'm the epitome of a sentimental fool. My mugshot is right there in the dictionary. Believe it or not, I had a dilemma over an old shirt, which fits but isn't essential. It's currently in the "maybe" pile. I have dresses that I've worn multiple times and have been in hiding long enough to either drift into obscurity or reclaim a hanger in my new closet. Also members of the "maybe" club. Then there are my ASH polo shirts...one was from my 1 year anniversary with the company, the other from the special party we hosted for the military families that first Christmas after the "war in Afghanistan". I'm proud of both, and they're good quality shirts. I can keep those, right?

I haven't even gotten to the papers and pictures yet. I'm thinking that's going to be easy, just "not important: throw away" or "important: keep". There's more thought into clothes because someone will actually wear that stuff. (I hope.)

I'm so wired, partially because of the Red Bull I drank earlier...plus the adrenaline of the task at hand...and lastly because I'm taking in the last of this chapter of my life. Pretty soon my level of privacy will be much different. The places and faces that I've come to know will slowly drift into my memory as our meetings become less frequent.

In a way I know this sounds so shitty because I miss homehome so much too. But I can't ignore that I grew up here. I can't ignore the amazing things I've seen, heard, done, and LEARNED.

I am forever changed by this place and all it adds up to. No matter what anyone else's opinion is of my time and choices here in San Diego, none of this can ever be taken away from me.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure,
Measure a year?


In daylights,
In sunsets,
In midnights and cups of coffee,
In inches,
In miles and laughter and strife,
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure,
A year in the life,
How about love...?
Measure in love,
Seasons of love.


Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?


In truths that she learned,
or times that he cried,
In bridges he burned or the way that she died,
It's time now to sing out (though) the story never ends,
Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends,
How about love...
Measure in love, [measure your life in love]
Seasons of love...

(words and music by Jonathan Larson, RIP)


::: posted by sugar at 4:17 AM



Tuesday, November 11, 2003 :::
 
FINALLY!!!!!

(hee hee.)

::: posted by sugar at 8:10 AM



Monday, November 10, 2003 :::
 
Slow your roll.

Today seems like it's been Attack of the Egos.

No one cared to ask me how I'm doing today, except for one person. Which normally wouldn't bug me except for the fact that 90% of the people I talked to today shit all over me.

Case 1: Had so-called good news for me, and because I was totally swamped with work didn't have time to stroke his ego about it. Plus if I did have the time I prolly wouldn't have anyway. Trust me, you wouldn't have either. So I get an IM sayin about how he's gotta go, but all he did was block one of my SN's. Slick.

Case 2: All hot and bothered because apparently I knew something she didn't. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening, and this person was even quoted saying she gets jealous when I know more than she does about our friend. Uhm...gosh I wasn't aware we were keeping score, and talking about the subject in question is none of my business. This was followed by another case of getting blocked on AIM. Pfff.

Case 3: Co-worker giving me attitude for asking legitimate questions, simply because he's pissy about his standing at the office. You get what you give dude. Give attitude and other ppl are gonna give it back. I didn't personally, but he's not all that happy about collecting on his karma.

Cases 4-999999: The usual customers and vendors. LOL. sigh

::: posted by sugar at 5:02 PM



Sunday, November 09, 2003 :::
 
Love, Actually

Pro: Happy feel-good movie with actors I love to watch.

Con: Romance and London and the holidays...while I'm without romance or travel during the holiday season.

Pro: Laugh a lot and live vicariously through the movie.

Pro: I love the holidays.

::: posted by sugar at 5:54 PM






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"The Things We Think, But Do Not Say"



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