Sunday, August 29, 2004 :::
 

the view from my balcony at sunset. :-) what ya see is actually part of the school i went to kindergarten in. what ya don't see is the "canyon" in between my home and the school. 

::: posted by sugar at 1:57 AM


 
wow i haven't been here in ages.

i have a bunch of random reasons for getting wrapped in Xanga the last several months...but i would've been insane to leave my original blog behind! hehe

it's a strange nite of sorts. the music's going, sitting at the computer with no other lights on...the house is asleep...and i'm up late writing.

the difference is...it's a different city. different computer, although the heart of the old one is inside the newer one. i wouldn't even be in here right now if my brother wasn't in tahoe. my sister is in washington d.c. for a few days...and here i am.

so i'm back to school again. it was so creepy that first class meeting. but i couldn't help feeling like a scarred war veteran in there. this sophomore sitting in front of me had a bunch of questions, and she wasn't getting on my nerves at all but she kept apologizing for bothering me. she said it was her 5th semester. in some ways, she reminds me of me during my 5th semester. her name is jacqueline, and she said she's been at state since the beginning. as for me, my fifth semester was at skyline i think...yeah. if my memory works anymore, i'm pretty sure i did exactly 2 years at csm before moving.

it's sad to say, but i would give anything to reclaim those days. very un-PC and un-strong-willed. i can predict that i will be spending the next __ days/weeks/months trying to reverse/ignore that feeling.

i had to drive my sister to the airport this morning, and on the way home, i did the unthinkable. i passed the house. it was nerve-wrecking because if i was seen, i would have no way whatsoever of justifying my being there. it's not a main road, and it would sound so fake if i used bunny as an excuse. it was 7am! plus i looked like hell. i still insist that any sort of meeting should involve me looking fabulous. lol.

i didn't recognize any of the cars parked in the driveway, but that doesn't mean that there are new people living there. i really didn't think further ahead about it....pure impulse. but i wish The Rascal had been with me...she was the one who taught me about drive-bys in the first place. lol! i wonder what ever happened to her.

i've been playing this song from Garden State over and over...."Let Go" by Frou Frou...it's the most recent trailer song. i love that movie. i love this song. her voice and the melody...harmony...background music...i feel like it's literally reaching into my heart and pumping it. there are only a few other songs that i can say that about. on the other hand, i feel fortunate that i can use those words to describe anything.

i think those of us on these diary websites take the following for granted - we know how to express ourselves...although some in more developed forms than others, but you get the picture. just like there are those who struggle with driving w/manual transmissions or throwing a football straight, there are so many people who lack the ability to express themselves. then, there are those who simply, "can't write." the turtle is like that...or so he says. he's good at times.

i'm blessed and cursed with the habit/ability/passion of crafting sentences that turn into paragraphs that turn into conversations. even when i'm writing letters or essays, it feels like a conversation, albeit a structured one. (i'll never forget how francine complimented me on that. i still consider that one of my top compliments of my life.) i get turned on (in a sense, let's keep it clean ppl!) by a well-constructed thought, always been like that. i think it's so beautiful and we as human beings are so lucky to be able to have complex thoughts. it doesn't mean i need 50cent jeaopardy words and high-falutent topics. i wish i could explain, but there are no absolutes to this...grr... actually, simplicity is an absolute in this case. "simply complex", as my favorite paradox goes.

anyway, i'm sure i've made my point by now. and if i haven't, rambling further isn't gonna help. lol.

i sometimes think about how reading was and is my outlet. when i couldn't play outside, when i couldn't identify with anyone around me...books were there. my comfort, my warm blanket. reading is fundamental muthafucka! i know that because i read, i write better...i know more...i understand more. i bought celine a copy of judy blume's just as long as we're together, and it's sequel (which i didn't read cuz it came later) introducing rachel robinson. even now, at my age, i'd read them both. lol. but anyway, i was just so happy that she enjoyed the first one so much she finished it in a matter of days, and is now working on the second.

those kids mean so damn much to me, i swear. i can't help but want to shape and protect them from anything and everything....and to also try and allow them to LIVE so they feel confident and free and of course happy. but they're not my children and i have to respect that. they're also growing up by the minute and i have to respect that as well. i know i needed time and space at their age, which i barely got...and i want more for them. i'm pretty sure it'll be a different ballgame when they're MY children...but until then this is "bad" enough. ;-)

ok iTunes says i've been listening to frou frou 17 times now. that's about enough, aye?


::: posted by sugar at 12:53 AM

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