Wednesday, April 23, 2003 :::
 
i know i'm not the first person to say this, but...

the media tends to use someone's first, middle and last name when they're a stalker or a killer.

weird.

::: posted by sugar at 10:44 PM


 
picture of the day

courtesy of moosey, a polaroid taken before he left NYC...



i want a doggie...

for those of you who like cats (and aren't allergic like me), here's a kitty for you:



::: posted by sugar at 10:36 PM


 
quotes

[From a transcript of an old West Wing episode. Damn I love this show. If you missed tonight's episode with Matthew Perry guest starring, you missed out.]

"Islamic extremist is to Islam as _______ is to Christianity."
After hearing from the students, Josh writes down his answer: "KKK. . . . It's the Klan gone medieval and global. It couldn't have less to do with Islamic men and women of faith of whom there are millions and millions.Muslims defend this country in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corp, National Guard, Police and Fire Department."

When he runs out of other things to say, Josh calls in friends. First up:Toby.
"...there's nothing wrong with a religion whose laws say a man's got to wear a beard or cover his head or wear a collar. It's when violation of these laws become a crime against the state and not your parents that we're talking about lack of choice." He goes on to say that "The Taliban isn't the recognized government of Afghanistan. The Taliban took over the recognized government of Afghanistan. . . . When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the people of Afghanistan, think of Jews in concentration camps."

[from an email written by my dear cherry-pop]

"hang in there girlfriend. your 20's are all about you and your identity."

::: posted by sugar at 9:55 PM



Wednesday, April 16, 2003 :::
 
*YAY*

I'm coming home tomorrow. It's raining, it's foggy, but yknow what, it's all good. Yknow why?

Because in 25 years, I have yet to be in a place besides the Bay that smells so great after it rains. Or when you get out of the club or the late movie and it's all foggy and you get that breath of fresh air, which prolly came from the Pacific, passed over hella trees, houses, etc....to find its way to you.

Hello SF MOMA (which I never seem to have time to visit anymore...haven't been there in forever!). How ya doin Sinugba, gimme my crispy fried chicken! Hooray for the always-stocked kitchen and the house that always smells...like my mom. Bring it on Downtown! Show me whatcha workin' wit'! Wassup Daly City, where almost everyone knows your name, and if they don't they "know you by face". Where it's not Six Degrees of Separation, it's more like Three.

By the way, in case you forgot, Bay Area eye candy is the sweetest there is. Woohoo! (Ok, next to Hawaii.)

Damn I gotta pack still. Hahahhahaha...yeah I'm a procrastinator about that stuff. Old habits die hard. But hey, I always get my shiet done the right way in the end! *wink*

::: posted by sugar at 9:27 PM


 
Good luck to Moosey as he prepares to head back to the Wild Wild West!

[Oops, just jokin, he's goin to Orange County. *hee*]

::: posted by sugar at 1:07 AM


 
patterns

1. Plaid! Ex: I loved my blue & green plaid shorts from the Sesame Street store. [What the heck ever happened to those? Every time I can't think of where some clothing or other possession went, I write it off to the Joey-gank list. I swear I'll shake the shit outta her someday.]

2. I've been blogging a lot within the time frame of 11pm-1am recently. (didn't I say gnite in my last entry? *sigh*)

3. Due to the late hour, as well as the fact that I have thoughts floating around in my head about *him* and *things*, *he* and those *things* find their way here a lot lately.

4. I haven't been needing or wanting coffee, but I'm sleep deprived. Yet I can't seem to fall asleep early enough or "on time".

Hmm...ok gnite for real.

::: posted by sugar at 1:06 AM


 
I have the feeling that I won't give a shit about the following story someday. But I did today, and I kinda do now, so here goes...

He had free movie passes to that shitty Jamie Kennedy movie. (Sorry for the fans out there, but the trailers are crap. And they're supposed to make you WANT to watch the movie, I thought.) Since he couldn't use them and apparently couldn't find anyone in his own circle of friends to give them to, he decides to call two of my closest friends. Since he had their numbers and all.

One could argue that he was being nice, since he generally is a nice person. One could also point out that he grew to consider them friends as well. One could speculate that he just couldn't find anyone else to take the tickets.

See, the thing is, my name isn't "One."

It's a Catch 22. I can't expect my friends to decline a perfectly decent offer, although I can't lie and say it didn't get to me. I can not be a hypocrite since I'm still in contact with one of his friends which had become one of mine. [For the record, I was willing to give up that relationship but she promptly contacted me after things ended, reminding me that she was there for me in spite of things.] I still consider his sister a good friend of mine, though we haven't spoken since before things went down the toilet, and am not sure when I can bring myself to contact her.

I guess in a way I wish that if he didn't want to be in my life anymore that way, that he would just get the hell out full-stop.

I can imagine many heads shaking and voices out there in cyberspace murmuring "don't work that way girlfriend".

Well, with that, I'm closing the loop on this subject and getting my 4.5 hours sleep before another day at work. Oyasumi...gnight...

::: posted by sugar at 12:53 AM


 
I AM NEVER, EVER, GOING TO FILE MY OWN TAXES AGAIN.

The only exceptions would be if:

1. I'd be paid a $1M bonus for it.
2. I only had 1 (one) W-2, no itemized deductions and no other forms to report (including but not limited to 1099-R, 1099-G, and things that sound like that).
3. I'd be paid more than a $1M bonus for it.

So there. The rest of the world can laugh at me all they want, or tell me how I'd be saving this or that amount of money/time by doing it myself. IT'S ALLLL GOOD.

So long as someone else does my taxes for the rest of my life.

::: posted by sugar at 12:41 AM



Monday, April 14, 2003 :::
 
quotes of the weekend:

(me driving somewhere with mike, talking about the way my car performs--)

"Yknow the thing about this car is that it either struggles or hauls ass."

[me] "Just like me."

"Just when you think you've got it at its limit and it can't go any more, it goes even further than you expected."

[me] "Just like me."

--------------------------------------
[me, after backing out of a parking stall] "I've noticed that the wheel recovers easily when straightening out...all on its own."

"Yeah that kinda gets to me sometimes. With my car you have to make efforts to straighten it out, otherwise it won't."
--------------------------------------

Most would call this over-thinking. I blame it on too many books, movies, and advanced English classes. Always finding patterns in conversation/communication.

Ok, good night for real!

::: posted by sugar at 12:38 AM


 
i don't want to be a cliche and say they're all the same.

[but they're basically all the same.]

[why am i being a cliche woman and expecting so much from them?]

i'm retreating back to my overall distrust for boys, men, and their strange ways of thinking. yeah yeah, i know, "mars...venus...." blah blah blah.

i find myself getting edgy again when i hear of guys being....less than cool in one way or another. case in point - someone i know who's maintained this friendship of sorts with this girl via the internet and phone for years and years. note that this revolves around phone and cybersex and yet they also have quite the intellectual conversation according to him. he sends her *stuff* too. never mind the fact that he's very aware of her boyfriend and her otherwise normal life. he gets off on being this source of *release* to her. well, he tells me earlier how her boyfriend found *something* that he sent her and how it sent her into a tailspin. and of course, as always, he reminds me that, even though she's a "good girl", she says they would get down to business if he ever came around. (the guy-ADD makes him forget that he mentions that every time he talks about her. *gag*)

another case in point. i have another friend who is in what seems to be a meaningful relationship with this girl. yet he still maintains this need to maintain some game on the side. nothing that would officially get him busted. at least not that he'll admit to me. either way, it kills me how they can do the double life thing. feel completely "devoted" and care for the little woman at home, and feel no guilt about the games going on outside. to be able to compartmentalize and rationalize the whole thing.

i guess it's examples like these that make me resent *him* more right now. what does that have to do with anything? because he made me believe that there guys worth believing in, who are completely up-front and who understand what it means to be truly caring and considerate for other ppl's feelings.

damn, 12:20. i refuse to go to bed angry, so it's time for some pop-up video!

[the anger is a good sign. they say after anger comes indifference.]

::: posted by sugar at 12:30 AM



Sunday, April 13, 2003 :::
 
late night musings again...

[i feel as though when it's late like this, and it's dark and i'm by myself, i'm suspect to all this deep thought that i'll be ashamed of later. sheesh.]

there's a light rain falling. i've always loved the sound it makes on the carport roof because it's made of metal.

the last rainstorm we had in san diego, he wanted to go out for a walk. i remember saying something close to: "are you serious? it's pouring. we'll get sick. i can't afford to miss work. plus nothing we have is going to keep us from getting soaked." he asked more than once that night, but i still said no. i've had that memory in my pocket, checking it like a clock from time to time...wondering what might have resulted from little things like that. saying yes to the walk in the rain. saying yes to the trip to london and paris.

when now, after it's been almost a month since this whole thing came to ... where it is ... i feel like it would have just bought us more time. just would have made things even harder at the end, when the inevitable conclusion would've reared its ugly head.

stupid human trick:
i managed to wig out like a total spaz after leaving ralph's earlier. why? because i saw the back of a charcoal/blue bmw 3-series about 5 yards from my car. stopped dead in my tracks for a few seconds, before i realized that there was no firefighter ball on the antenna/it was a hardtop/it was a sedan/it wasn't his car. [In that order btw.]

Song of the Day
Matchbox Twenty
"Unwell"

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell...

ok back to reality.

::: posted by sugar at 11:52 PM


 
one of the ironies of money...

...as many of us know, is that when we really make a concerted effort to spend it on something, nothing can be found. however, when there is money ready to be spent!!

after waking up late & watching the entire first season of initial D in my pj's, i managed to give myself a case of insomnia. so i had an mp3 binge and decided to give my brand new debit card a spin. (it's blue and see-through! i love citibank.)

but aside from paying for my LPU membership, i couldn't bring myself to choose something. i was seriously looking at the new sonicare toothbrush...whew!

[i never realized that the girl from the devil's advocate was also the sister in gladiator. interesting.]

so today, i'm back online...contemplating the promise of a sunday ahead of me. brunch? beach? shopping? reading? nobody to get in my way ('cept maybe the cashier at the store if i overdraft my mastercard. hehe.).

we shall see...

::: posted by sugar at 11:08 AM


 
bloggin' conundrum
(can't you just picture that kid from THE RING..."it's a conundrum...")

my archives are still "missing". not that anyone reads them (does anyone ever?)

contemplating whether or not to upgrade this little blog of mine. ("...i'm gonna let it shine...") it just seems so lonely with just the text. i wanna add pictures too. but i'm wondering if image hosting some other way might be easier...i dunno. i don't care about the stats or the other bells and whistles. i don't even mind the banner at the top, i stopped looking at it a long time ago, and only remembered it when the notes said "ad-free".

$50 a year. hmm.

::: posted by sugar at 10:26 AM


 
i am so tempted to just delete that last post like it never happened. but i think i'll leave it as a reminder for how COMPLETELY sad i WAS.

[eek]

::: posted by sugar at 10:12 AM



Friday, April 11, 2003 :::
 
home alone on a friday night

*warning - those unable to handle my sulk/vent please exit the premises now. you may return shortly, as this is only temporary.*

ok so i'm exaggerating...i just got home from dinner with a few loved ones. and the roomies are all home. and i have a splitting headache anyways (which i'm fighting just so i can blog out for a bit).

but just now i had that *feeling*, that *awh* feeling, that ache-y feeling. why because it's just the next night in my training of being new single me again. gonna sleep alone, & wake up alone. not even a call good night or one to expect in the morning.

people can tell me all they want that he misses me, that he's not doing so well either and that he wants to talk to me but is going to wait. these are all pieces of information offered for comfort, yet why do i not feel comforted? why am i unsatisfied? why can't i just hate him for a while, that would make things so much easier?

because nothing about my life has ever been easy. i don't imagine it starting to turn around now.

"without the bitter, baby, it just ain't as sweet." (paraphrased from vanilla sky.)

uhm...yeah.

i'm fast forwarding to tomorrow...what am i gonna do to keep myself busy? am i keep reading my books? do laundry? watch dvds? go out? stay in? perhaps the best thing would be to just...be. not use a busy schedule as a crutch and just be. kinda how some people (myself included) have the (learned) ability to just go out and eat alone, even without a book or a newspaper or anything.

we shall see.

for now, i think i'm just going to wash up, set the tv on a timer and drift off.

oyasumi....good night...

::: posted by sugar at 11:40 PM



Wednesday, April 09, 2003 :::
 
100...grand...

If my father's father were alive today, we'd be celebrating his 100th birthday.

I never knew him because he died before I was born. He died before my father met my mother. He died before my father finished high school. His

I still have a very faint memory of my grandmother, believe it or not. She's still alive but she hasn't laid eyes on me in 22 years. I don't send her letters nearly as often as I should. I spend money on myself or friends when I could be sending her packages or notes or calling to tell her I'm thinking of her. The last time I spoke to her was on New Year's Day. [sigh]

when i was younger, i used to hear stories from my dad about how "if my father were alive to see you now..." - as in he'd whoop my ass if i was misbehavin the way i was... i get the impression that he was from the extreme old school. he would have encouraged spanish lessons for me, music lessons, a practical education and everything that would have made a lady in his eyes. i probably would have been afraid of him.

but then again, when i think about the impression my dad leaves upon people, relative to the way he really is (most of the time)...i'd like to believe that we would've had a pretty good relationship. (as long as i woulda kept myself in line,) i would've loved to ask him questions about the past and about our family's history. he might even offer a few funny stories about my dad, my uncles and aunties; or what it was like when he and my mom were dating.

this is the sort of thing i've always felt was missing. there's this...void of time and place that i've been able to fill only sparingly...either in the random anecdote at a family dinner or by trying to piece together the faces and relationships in that silver box of old photos.

what would i have called him if he were alive? certainly not grandpa. Abuelo? Lolo? Papa? i'll never know.

what i do know is that i really would make the effort to include him in my life if i could. even if he was a grumpy old man. ;-)

Happy Birthday, Lolo. I hope that you're proud of your son and his family.

::: posted by sugar at 10:47 PM


 
we are mildly panicking over the disappearance of several months of blogs.

*searching the support section of blogger for a damn good explanation*

*note to all bloggers...the interface on the control site is cool.*

::: posted by sugar at 2:57 PM


 
cookie's day off (part 2)

day two of me staying home sick. slept through most of yesterday and woke up with that crappy, dizzy, head as heavy as a rock thing each time. watched some TV i think. went to la torta for some tortilla soup. (can't beat comfort food.) one day i'll have enough nerve to order the "SUPER NATALIA"...wanna see how super it is, just click on the link. if you live anywhere near SD you owe it to yourself to go to one of their locations and try their food. nuff said. (ok fine, so my friend owns it. so?!)

anyway, watched the final episodes of 24 that we never watched. haha, i wonder if he's curious about the ending. knocked me off my ass for sure. took a few phone calls and went to bed. it was nice to talk to jenny (HI BUNNY!). caught up with luke but before that talked to cristy...and of course couldn't help myself and asked how he was doing. apparently not well. surprise surprise. blah blah blah. can't lie and say that this whole thing doesn't hurt. it sure as hell does and will for a while. but until he's man enough to call me himself, he's just my ex who screwed up royally. i've already done my part for the time being.

today i woke up and just thought...yknow i really don't want to go to work yet. i still feel achy and icky and shitty. so i made the call and went back to sleep. been chattin with shirley, henry, pia and gail on and off...and after adding mass quantities to my amazon wish list, i've decided i need to rest some more. feelin kinda nauseous and headache-y again. too much computer.

ciao...

::: posted by sugar at 2:49 PM



Saturday, April 05, 2003 :::
 
Amazing. Creepy.

I stumbled upon a Xanga site maintained by a friend of a friend...and what i read was shockingly close to the feelings i was cycling through...even the way that certain details were carefully omitted.

The world is an interesting place.

::: posted by sugar at 8:43 AM


 
This is not a hoax.

National Guardsman legally changes his name to Optimus Prime.

WTF?!

::: posted by sugar at 8:11 AM



Wednesday, April 02, 2003 :::
 
I have to find another newscast to watch in the evening.

It's too hard to watch his show and not know which stories were the ones he covered. It's so sad to see the reporters that I've grown to love personally and know I won't see them anymore. It's one thing to miss your ex's friends...but what a bummer when you have to see them on TV.

::: posted by sugar at 11:22 PM


 
Quotes

"This past week has been all about change."

It's strange to hear people say that, and then realize that they're not talking about my life, they're talking about the war in Iraq.

"This is all so unexpected...when is this unrest, this uncertainty going to end?"

I was just thinking the same thing.



::: posted by sugar at 11:18 PM



Tuesday, April 01, 2003 :::
 
Song of the Minute

"A Case of You" - Diana Krall

Much props to Joni Mitchell for writing a beautiful song, but Diana Krall's version is much more suitable considering the circumstances.

Download it or buy it, live it, love it.

::: posted by sugar at 7:24 PM


 
april fools day

no, i'm sorry to report that darryl and i are still seperated. that's not a joke.

but i do have a story that will (hopefully) make you laugh...

this morning, i went to starbucks (grrrrr, wishing for anything but them) and i see this big sign posted that reads "WE'RE SORRY BUT WE'RE OUT OF ESPRESSO." i thought, man that sucks, thank God i want chai latte. and everyone in line is all trippin and trying to figure out what else they can order.

i get to the front and order, and i ask the cashier "you're awfully calm for someone that doesn't have espresso at this time of the day..when are you guys gonna get more?" and then she tells me that it's all april fools. after i leave the counter, i keep hearing everyone trip out as they walk in the door...pretty funny but in a way almost sadistic. we all know, either by personal experience or because of a coffee addict we know, what kind of horrible things happen when people don't have their morning coffee.

hee.

::: posted by sugar at 7:05 PM

ARCHIVES :::

"The Things We Think, But Do Not Say"