Monday, September 30, 2002 :::
 
GOOD GRACIOUS

Just came back from a screening of Spirited Away. A new addition to my "best movies" list. And to my "things to buy when I have a job again" list.

Review to follow...

::: posted by sugar at 11:40 PM


 
girl power sunday

laughed and teared at sweet home alabama.

"art imitates life"...two bay area transplants couldn't spend an evening in san diego alone.

car karaoke to INOJ and S Club 7 helps.

moscato d'asti and photo albums...surfaced stories from the past that haven't seen the light in many years.

"what is the matrix?"

::: posted by sugar at 11:47 AM



Saturday, September 28, 2002 :::
 
Food Network is so damn cool.

Porcini (Mushroom) Battle on Iron Chef!

What people refer to these days as "baby portobellos" is all up in Kitchen Stadium. (Did you know that portobellos used to get thrown away before the mushroom growers realized that they were actually pretty good?)

I rooted for Morimoto like always, but he got schooled by the challenger, "the world champion of pasta." Oh well. Sun doesn't shine every day.

Then came the COOKIE episode on Unwrapped. WOOHOO! Guess what?

1) I learned that a "wafer" (as in Vanilla) is basically a small flat cake that is not cut from dough like cookies are.

2) Furthermore, animal COOKIES are thicker than animal CRACKERS, hence the difference. Animal crackers are puffed with air similar to saltines and other members of the cracker family. So there you go, Ben Affleck. (hot boy!.....err......HACKERS!)

3) Residents of Amherst, MA can benefit from Dan Zimmerman's home delivered cookies. Just like pizza delivery, you can get a box of cookies brought to you an insulated bag. Pretty damn smart, I say.

Etc.

I'm looking forward to seeing the SF episode of Emeril Live. Shirley and Byron are in the audience! YAY!

::: posted by sugar at 7:13 PM


 
WOOHOO!!!

When I logged outta Blogger just now, I popped up on the "Fresh Blogs" list. Do you have any idea what the odds are that are? With the millions of people blogging at this moment, my little piece of cyberspace was presented for the world to see.

Hee...goodness, I wish my front page stuff was better. I've been in a writing funk on and off these days.

::: posted by sugar at 10:14 AM


 
weather report

...an excerpt from a conversation with my dear Spinfamous on the East Side...I was getting the update on a certain shortie he'd met...

c: she sounds like she's got potential
s: but i think mostly b/c shes just not bitter 25 yr old
c: woohoo
s: like me
c: word
c: hee
c: i feel you on that
c: i was full of sunshine at 20
c: now it's partly cloudy skies
s: hahahahhahaha
s: werd

hee...

::: posted by sugar at 10:11 AM


 
I was convinced before, but I'm reminded today...

prayer and faith are two of the most powerful forces ever.

"I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time."

::: posted by sugar at 9:46 AM



Friday, September 27, 2002 :::
 
Magic Johnson enters the Basketball Hall of Fame

It's Showtime!

No matter what anyone says about him as a person, his player ways or whatever...Magic is truly one of the finest players to ever take the court.

I have many fond memories of no-look passes, big cheesy smiles and hook shots that made my jaw drop.

When I went to the Laker game I kept looking down at the bench thinking "oh my gracious that's Magic Johnson." Hee.

You go boy!

::: posted by sugar at 12:48 PM


 
alright, so I guess I'm awake. I was sleepy, then woke up halfway, then sleepy again, next thing you know I'm sitting here at my desk. sigh. my brain is too cluttered right now to sleep i guess. or perhaps a part of me is dreading the kind of dreams that wait for me if I do.

images, phrases, ideas, music, dreams.

[none of the following is necessarily witty, stylish, sexy or intelligent. consider these sound bytes of raw fish...cut by a sushi chef that hasn't achived master status yet. the only reason why they're numbered is so show that they are independent of one another. no hierarchy.]

1. even on its lowest setting, the fan spins so quickly that i can look directly through the blades, past the screen and out the window into the parking lot. amazing how it manages to bring in the cooling air from outside, push it towards the opposite wall and create a current around my room.

2. what is it that keeps the ghosts so close by? is it the idea that they just might resurrect someday? and is that even a good thing? (no, not really huh.)

3. "if only my life was more like 1983" - j.mayer

4. listening to a love song in another language is nice because you're only really feeding off of the vibe. you're not bound by the words, simply cradled by the notes. (translations aren't always welcome for this reason.) or if all you know are a couple of choice phrases, you can choose to make your conclusion about what the writers were thinking.

5. i feel bad when someone tells me that certain things aren't worth it, and my only my head agrees. that must be frustrating for the person saying it. i'm sorry.

6. i wonder how long i'm going to keep this entry up. doesn't feel like it's going to have much of a shelf life.

7. as cliche as it has become, the pounding surf is one of the sexiest, most soothing and humbling sounds ever heard. i have a feeling i've written or said that before, but i still feel the same way so there.

8. "someday, when i'm awfully low...when the world is cold...i will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight."

9. what am i going to wear to the susan davis reception? that was so funny when everyone was saying First Lady, i thought i was going to be meeting laura bush. but then it was explained "the first lady of CALIFORNIA." how is this beneficial in an election year? what if simon actually wins? (yikes i hope i don't get burned for that one.) then at least i can say i met the "old" first lady of california. at least i get to see ed and arlie's house. that'll be nice.

10. it's so nice to smile more.

11. twice this week i've seen or heard something about chaos theory. the idea that many random events are inexplicably linked. "a butterfly flaps its wings in india, and a tornado occurs in kansas."

here's an excerpt from a student's website in the uk:

Put simply, Chaos Theory explores how a tiny change in normal conditions can drastically change the long term behaviour of a non-linear, dynamic system. The three things to remember about Chaos theory are:

--They are deterministic.
--They are extremely sensitive to their initial conditions, i.e. the slightest amount of change could cause large scale disruption.
--They may initially appear to be random, but they are not. Beneath the initial sense of randomness lies beautiful order.

i guess read that to mean "the patterns of life hang in a very delicate balance, dependent on a certain chain of events that are expected to happen by statistical and imperical theory...provided nothing is done outside the historical norm. so this balance can actually be disrupted and cause a domino effect ever after."

ahhh what do i know, i'm not john nash or will hunting.

12. i wonder how much she knows about me.

(skipping #13 the same way elevators do)

14. will i ever understand the chaos of why nothing i did could have been enough? will i ever find a way to fill the landfill left at ground zero or will i always have a phobia of the towers falling again?

15. a haircut is needed very soon.

16. i'm glad that monica and rachel on friends look like they had something to eat during the off-season.

17. the west wing has got to be one of the best shows on tv. yeah baby, YEAH!

18. i remember the smell of autumn on the east coast, even now. the air is cold and makes the nose tingle...along with the faintly pungent odor of leaves that have changed color due to dehydration and fallen off the trees. and then when you get into the suburbs you can smell piles of them burning. walk through the streets, past cafes and smell the hot apple cider. stores and their marketing ploys presenting winter fashions and having the nerve to start revealing christmas and hanukkah cd's. (hee.)

19. isn't it great when there is that spread of clouds across the sky during sunrise or sunset...the kind that remind you of butter across a piece of toast: not too thick and spaces in between so you can see through to the bread. in this case the butter is the clouds and the toast is the sky. i love seeing the rising or setting sun not only tint the skies peach/pink/orange/purple, but the spread of white clouds become such vivid colors for just a few minutes.

20. turning the fan off. "good night gracie."

::: posted by sugar at 1:02 AM



Thursday, September 26, 2002 :::
 
song of the day

Michelle Branch again. Hee. Sigh. I think this is one of her best. She really captured the message here, I think.

It's amazing how some people can design homes for people to live in, cars for us to drive, meals for us to eat... But there are a select few who can take a set of emotions and thoughts, place them in a certain rhythm, match that to a melody...next thing you know you hear something on the radio that holds grabs hold of your heart and hands it over to you.

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days
That pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

"Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to"

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything
I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that
I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours
And I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

::: posted by sugar at 12:38 PM



Wednesday, September 25, 2002 :::
 
THE GAME OF LOVE

To paraphrase Kat Kat, I *heart* the new duet between Carlos Santana (one of the finest musicians of all time) and Michelle Branch (who at 19, has managed to give some of us hope in the future of young songwriters), entitled "The Game of Love".

I've heard complaints about the chorus, because it goes "...a little bit of this, a little bit of that..." in a sort of childish sing-song way. Well DUH people, the song is called "The Game of Love". It's a reference to being childish, to playing a game. Ok, I take back the DUH. Sowee. But for reals though! Doesn't that make sense?

We always wonder what all the games are for, why we can't all just be straight-up. And yet many of us are petrified to face up to their feelings, afraid of facing adversity/pain or giving it to someone else. Ah, human nature.

One of my dear girlfriends is going through a "game" with 2 someones...Faraway Guy and Nearby Guy. She had a chance with FG but didn't really act on it out of fear. This is basically her soulmate, who unfortunately is leaving the country in six months for work. He also lives in another time zone at present. Then out of the woodwork comes NG, old friend who started to...dance on the line so to speak. He's anti-committment, anti-relationship, fun to be around, still seems hung up on his exes to some degree...not very good on paper right? Haha...well anyway, the redeeming part is that he's been trying really hard to reach out and be a good guy, spend time, be generally sweet and cool, etc. The whole issue of getting too close is something he's regulating - he basically keeps her as close as he can without making her "close". So fine, they've got this "seperate" thing going on. Mutually understood. NG also knows about FG and claims he really wants to be there to support my girl through this rough time. Yet he can't really make good on this because he gets jealous and bitter when FG enters the conversation.

So the operative question comes out, "What do you want out of this? Why are you being so mean? Are you my boyfriend? Am I your girlfriend?" "No," and what follows is a speech about how he's not wanting to get close because he feels he'll hurt her by eventually getting antsy and bored, thereby ruining the relationship. (Sound familiar, folks? ERR. I felt so horrible when she told me that part.) This of course is throws my girl for a loop, cuz girls...they generally don't do well hearing that kind of talk.

She can't bear to attempt any relationship with anyone until she reconciles her issues one last time with FG before he leaves the country. NG is all strung out over his non-girlfriend and the possibility of "losing" her. Losing what? So she's feeling the weight of NG's guilt trips and sob stories, but the same time she's wondering "Wait a minute, he's the one that had it all worked out so he'd have nothing to lose, now he's talking about losing me?"

Err.

Games, games, games.

I think they're at halftime. The 2nd half has yet to unfold. Let's hope for the best...

::: posted by sugar at 9:24 AM


 
this is what my cousins pay thousands in tuition for?!

trisha: hello
me: hi honey
me: what time is class???
trisha: umm not till 10
me: hee
trisha: actually we don't have a school today..its a bowl-a-thon thing..
me: what?!
me: i guess!
me: lucky
trisha: yeah and on friday we don't have school either..its just a BBQ at mercy
trisha: haha
me: dang
me: you rich kids man
me: get all the breaks
trisha: haha...no, it just shows how dumb mercy staff can be
trisha: haha
trisha: with exeptions
trisha: haha
me: and this is what your mom and dad are paying for?!
me: lol
me: is it free dress too? [for the not knowing, meaning they don't have to wear uniforms.]
trisha: yeah
trisha: hahahha
trisha: or we can wear class colors
me: what's the junior's color?
trisha: hot pink
me: yikes!

This reminds me of that SNL skit where Eddie Murphy does a "sociological study" on white people, puts on a suit and some "white" make-up and infiltrates "their world." He saw that it was totally different and carefree. So while we public school kids were slaving away on our outdated books and dodging rumbles, private school kids are losing two whole days of school in a week for Bowl-A-Thons and BBQs. Go figure. LOL.

[You private schoolers don't go jumping all over my back, kay. I can't afford the hospital bills if I get beat up! ;-) ]

::: posted by sugar at 8:55 AM



Monday, September 23, 2002 :::
 
how many of these tests are out there?!

. . . What is my spectrum? I am red: My main color is red. This means I am goal oriented. Success is important to me. Achievment is the marker of a great life. . What is my spectrum?

I wasn't so sure how much I bought into this (although I love red), so I took it again and got this:

. . . What is my spectrum? I am green: My main color is green. I like to have fun and comfort. Happiness is the marker of a great life. . What is my spectrum?

::: posted by sugar at 7:23 PM


 
I'M BAAAAAACK!

[written in stages...it's not like my usual stuff. but i hiope you like it anyways. :-) ]

MUSIQ

By an incredible stroke of good fortune, Alyson invited me at the last minute to the Music Soulchild (does he just go by Musiq now?) at 4th and B. (Note to self: Alyson rocks.)

Oh...My...Goodness.

What a great show.

And as an even bigger surprise, Slum Village opened up for them. MAN those guys are dope!!!

We sat in those Vegas show-type seats that have the railings, and then the floor was clear for dancing and "standing room only" stuff. In retrospect, I really should have worked harder to convince Alyson to move up to the front. But we were redeemed, I'll get to that later.

The one benefit to sitting is that I never had to go to the bar. There were waitresses getting everything. Had a few so-so drinks and grooved to the beat...

Although the tickets didn't say "no cameras", there's just that feeling that people are gonna try to take your camera. We brought ours, unsure of whether we'd get away with it. Then we during the Slum Village set we saw some flashes going off, and then it seemed like everyone started to take pictures. So I got a couple of shots with flash and without... Next thing I know I feel a hand on my back, and it's one of the security guys. I knew he said something asking about a camera, but because it was so loud I was able to ask him again so I could think of my response.

"No."

So he asked the couple next to us, they said something similar and the guy walked away.

Woo hoo!

I gotta say though...Slum Village tore it up somethin crazy, but after the LOOOOOONG intermission MUSIQ took the stage!!

The band, the DJ, the BACKUP singers...all off the hook. Musiq was just chillin in his usual way, jeans, white tee, denim jacket. Big bug eyed shades to cut the glare of the lights.

I really love how his style has such a broad range. From the soul to the funk, rhymes and jazz...the word that comes to mind is GROOVE. Even when you don't know the song, you're moving to the beat. Well at least I am...haha. Anyone that knows me knows that I can hardly keep still when music is playing. And definitely not when Musiq is playing.

He's so cute! The theory has been cast that he bears a resemblance to Cockroach on the Cosby Show. To some degree, maybe. But he's still a cutie.

My favorites that night had to be "Just Friends", "Girl Next Door", "Previouscats", "143" (which I almost thought he was going to skip over but he played it as his 2nd encore), "Halfcrazy", and whatever that funk song was. That was a crazy joint...he was banging his head like a rocker, jumpin around like James Brown and when it was all over, he tumbled into the armchair on stage upside-down.

The best part was at the end of the show, when we (well ok, I) made my way towards the front of the stage during the encores. I dragged Alyson, bless her heart, but I know afterwards she was happy we got so close. I swear he was about 2 yards away from me. Maybe even closer because I could make out the sweat beads on his face. And I could practically hear him sing without the mic. (Oooh note to self - finish this roll of film in my camera so I can see how it turned out!!) I managed to take a couple of pictures but didn't want to waste the moment with camera in my face.

Definitely one of the better concert experiences...thanks again Alyson! (Although it took me like 2 weeks to write about it! lol)

::: posted by sugar at 7:21 PM



Monday, September 16, 2002 :::
 
[wow i haven't posted in 3.5 days]

zzzzzzzzzz

later i will explain why i'm still awake at this hour. and why i can't sleep until later (talk about insult to injury).

note to self....SELF! don't forget to finish the blog about the Musiq Soulchild/Slum Village concert before you forget what happened. lol

etc.

countdown to WOOHOO moment...4 days, 18 hours, a few minutes after that.

::: posted by sugar at 4:23 AM



Thursday, September 12, 2002 :::
 
moments like this...*ow*

...i wish my mom was here to make me some tea, close my curtains and tell me i'll feel better tomorrow.

instead, i've got my roommie playing the "heaven" remix over and over while she tests the subwoofer her boyfriend bought, the house phone ringing for her but she won't answer, and my other roomie telling me we have a meeting that i don't care to attend.

*ow*

how long before aleve kicks in?

[i think i hear the world's smallest violin playing just for me...]

::: posted by sugar at 4:17 PM



Wednesday, September 11, 2002 :::
 
September 11, 2002
"Looking back, moving ahead." [MTV]

I will never forget what happened. It might seem overkill for me to talk about this, but it's like all the newspapers having the same headline... I need to document this for myself so I can look back years from now and see that I really did have an opinion.

I'm not a New Yorker, but I'm a person. I'm thankful that my family was spared from tragedy...barely. I'm grateful to be living in a country where bombings and attacks are not a part of our everyday lives.

I have had people ask me why their favorite shows have been taken away and temporarily replaced with memorials and the like. "It's been a YEAR already. I dont' get it." For once, someone like me that is rarely without words or thoughts...I had none to offer. I will say that what I saw this morning were sincerely heartfelt and beautiful tributes.

I'm not entirely sure if I've fully recovered, but I feel much better about it all. I think that's part of the repeat reminders. It's not the media being sensational, for once they've been quite tasteful in my opinion. Nothing cheesy or overdone. I see it as getting the reality into our heads and making us all ask think out loud:

Whether we were directly affected or not, our lives and our history are forever altered. Have we learned anything before putting these memories on the shelf?

I would only hope and think that each and every person took something positive away. Be it a habit to tell loved ones how we feel more often, to reconcile old grudges that are relatively senseless, to be more sympathetic towards those who are different, or to be more thankful for the benefits of American citizenship. Because you really never know when it can be taken away from you.

I think that we talked so much about heroism that it became an overused term. Think about it, though...two HUGE burning buildings in New York...the Pentagon...a flight in progress under seige. All three are situations where many of us would buckle, break down, find a way to escape or hide from the horror. But peace officers and civilians had the courage and the heart to do the right thing and help their fellow men and women. Put their lives at stake. I know that this is what many of them were trained to do, but still. It's something that I didn't sign up for, and I respect those that do it willingly.

By that same token, perhaps it will show some people the flaws in our legislative practices and what loopholes need to be closed. Or see who is unprotected that needs protecting in our society. Perhaps citizens and legislators will eventually grow to be more aware of one another. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?)

"And still, I rise." [Maya Angelou]

"And that's all I'm going to say about that." [Forrest Gump]

::: posted by sugar at 4:44 PM


 
say anything

i love this movie.

i used to have the poster hanging in my old apartment. it's the shot of lloyd outside diane's window with the boom box...the lyrics to "in your eyes" are printed in the corner.

love
I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love
I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

[note to self: SELF! get that poster framed eventually. and get say anything on dvd.]

::: posted by sugar at 1:38 PM



Monday, September 09, 2002 :::
 
[gotta sidebust real quick]

September 9, 2002

[I might fumble this. If it starts to get hard to follow then just bear with me...]

There are an increasing number of shows that try to bring a sociological understanding of life post 9-11. September 11. Gahd that phrase can feel so cliche now, so...homogonized, overused. "aftermath of september eleventh." "post nine eleven." Yet I can't escape the fact that it is a burning part of our history, our lives.

I caught MTV in the middle of their documentary on music and pop culture in the aftermath, and watching the images again still brings up these...feelings. Goosebumps. Couple of stray tears.

I remember watching limited amounts during TV at that time. If it wasn't the news, then I really didn't care. Like that telethon that went on all the major networks with no commercials...I didn't see a single minute of that. It's weird because I wanted to watch TV, I wanted to feel normal. I was drawn to trying to find out what was going on, yet there was only so much I could visually take of firefighters, cops, smoke, lines at blood banks, missing persons walls and moments of silence. It just had me cringing at one point, and even now sometimes.

Wow the doc just brought up an interesting point: When Independance Day came out a few years ago, the parts where the aliens start blowing up the Empire State Building and The White House, I remember cheering in amazement... But when I saw Black Hawk Down and Sum of All Fears...it was kinda numbing. I just sat there with my eyes wide open, if that.

I hate that this is so hard to articulate. It's not like I haven't had enough time to think about it.

It's kinda funny to think about how pop culture reacted to what happened. There were accounts of editing movies and TV shows that used to show the WTC, or things involving terrorists, etc. Movies that got pushed back or maybe even shelved because they were too close to home. Talk of the end of ironic comedy, a return to sincerity of feeling and thought. Speculation that reality TV and bubble gum pop would lose its appeal, because now Americans see a greater meaning of life.

Decent theories, but as we all know, it didn't really happen. There was a quick break, maybe. But in the true spirit of human beings, and Americans, people just wanted to move on for the most part. We wanted to feel better. We wanted to feel alive. We wanted to laugh again. Shows like Friends didn't change their tune, and neither did Britney or Jay-Z. Does this make us insensitive? I don't think so. I agreed with the consensus that the show had to go on. We had to rise up and show the Taliban, our country, and ourselves that we would not be broken.

[Although that is a pretty romantic way of seeing it for most people. There were plenty of people I knew that are just emotionally unwilling to open up to what happened, and just wanted to move on so they wouldn't miss a day of work or miss a beat in their everyday lives. Which is their right, don't get me wrong. But for more on that, you won't find it here.]

So day after tomorrow, (Celine's 10th birthday!!) I'm not sure what I'll be doing or what I'll see on the TV. But I'll be sure to say a special prayer of thanks that the ones I love most are safe.

...I'll revisit this on Wednesday...

::: posted by sugar at 9:52 PM


 
[...turning the diamond over in the light...]

knock knock

last week i had the most delicious dream.

the kind where you wake up with a smile and you go ahead and start your day on that same high.

[minds out of the gutters, people. it was more oxygen channel than skinemax.]

when i woke up, i wasn't drawn to the blog as i characteristically am. i just kind of put it in my pocket and kept it warm.

days later, i look back and remember only a few scattered details...

laughter. smiling faces. kind words that i can no longer quote, as they've faded out of memory. and a kiss.

the human imagination is an amazing thing. we can dream of many things that have either happened already and have been alterered in our subconscious, or we can dream about something in the way we would have liked to see it happen. now a kiss is something that i've had before, goodness knows. perhaps none recently worth thinking about. but this one was different for a few reasons. one, it didn't remind me of any that i'd ever had in my life. two, it was with a person that i have yet to shake hands with, much less kiss. facts of life made it very obviously a dream, yet it was good...great enough to make me hope that it might find its way into my reality someday.

a meeting of the minds seems to have turned into a knocking on the heart's door. is there anyone home? does anyone care to answer right now?? visitors were not expected for a long time, and i'm not sure if the place is tidy enough for anyone to come in. plus i would have hoped to...fix up a little more.

i'm looking through the peephole and wondering about the skewed view that i see outside. i mean, i see a lot and i like what's out there, but my view is still somewhat limited. more and more the idea of opening the door isn't such a scary one. but i have no way of knowing if he'll want to come in after the door's been opened. because at that moment and forever after, all five senses will finally be appeased. and possibly displeased. if this happens i know it won't be anyone's fault. it's just life and human nature.

but if it doesn't...there's the other thing. knowing that, once again, something worth cherishing is not easily within my reach. although this time, it's a physical distance and not an emotional distance.

to be continued.

::: posted by sugar at 9:30 PM


 
eye of the storm

i feel like i'm standing in the eye of a hurricane. or i'm in the doorway during an earthquake. everything is going nuts all around me, and by chance, i've managed to find the one place where i'm safe.

yet one false move and i'm no longer protected. i'm thrown into the fray. i don't know how to lean one way or the other safely, so i'm just hanging on. do i have to move just yet? or do i ride out the storm and then when it seems safe i can make a move? i don't want to put someone in danger that might try to save me should i fall.

most of us know that it never quite feels safe in real life. and when it does, it causes more fear than danger would.

the irony of women, and humans, is that many of us crave safety. and yet when it is a possibility, we find all kinds of ways to make it look dangerous.

::: posted by sugar at 8:16 PM


 
[ok so i took a little more time than i thought. i'm not always on time, but i'm always there when you call (or when i make a promise). don't tell ja rule i said that. *wink*]

no guarantees

yknow how when you buy something you've got a set amount of time before you can't return it anymore? and if you choose to buy a warranty (or if you're lucky enough to get one for free), you get extra protection but then after that you're on your own?

i've been thinking a lot about how that could possibly apply, if at all, to other aspects of life besides shopping. in a round about sort of way...

the usual suspects know that my life is linked to a soundtrack that i didn't necessarily choose. and at times, certain songs or artists become off limits because they conjure up images that...i don't want to see. happens to everyone right?

so the question is, when can a song or an artist come out of the hidden pile and back into the regular rotation?

i don't know if it's the estrogen today or wtf, but trey lorenz' "someone to hold" will probably never make it off the restricted list. there just isn't enough kleenex for that. ask me again someday, i hope i'll give you a new answer. (i can already hear some of you out there sighing...yeah yeah i know. i don't like to say it anymore than you guys want to hear it.)

but anyway other than that one...how long before the TRIAL PERIOD (pun intended) ends, the trials are over and you can listen to something with either no meaning or even a better new meaning??

this seems like a really crappy way of looking at it, huh. i mean, it's a SONG. a voice. words. yet i fear that, someday, certain familiar notes will play, a familiar voice will sing, and a familiar memory will distract me from a new and great possibility. which is unfair.

the good news is that it seems to have worked for a lot of em...it's a good sign. i'm trying to exorcise all the ghosts out of my mp3 and cd collection as we speak.

this is one facet of a diamond in the rough i found. to be continued...

::: posted by sugar at 8:02 PM


 
blows the dust off...

hi all...

my apologies for being MIA.

believe it or not, i'll actually have something new posted today! i'll be back in a few. check again this afternoon. ;-)

::: posted by sugar at 8:11 AM



Thursday, September 05, 2002 :::
 
...errrr...

this has been a very trying week. with a good share of highlights but...*sigh*.

lemonade outta lemons, i say...

::: posted by sugar at 3:33 PM


 
uhhhh...ok. is this what they're teaching at UCSD?

earlier this evening, one of my worker bees/house guests was in my room as i was sitting here at my desk. considering the amount of duress i was under at that moment, i felt compelled to hear eminem's "cleanin' out my closet".

when it came on, she screeched and said "white boy music!"

me: what?!
her: [insert stupid, unmemorable comment about eminem being white doing what she called "gangsta rap"]
me: does that mean i should only bust out my tagalog songs? and i should only listen to brown artists?
her: [laughs, and eventually we change the subject]

i played the song anyway....LOUD.

sorry, only my parents are allowed to tell me that they don't like my music and shiet like that. and they're the only ones that can expect me to turn it off or switch it for them.

and why did this person decide to start picking around the room for stuff?! this isn't a sample sale girlfriend!

errrrr....oh well.

::: posted by sugar at 2:40 AM


 
what am i doing up at this hour?!

yknow when people say "i take it back"....(i know i do)...

is that really possible?

it seems that when you want someone to take it back, they can't. but when you were perfectly ok with it, they wanna take it back. what's up with that?!

::: posted by sugar at 2:28 AM



Wednesday, September 04, 2002 :::
 
It's a J-pop morning

Listening to Japanese pop music brings back memories of my first 2 years in San Diego...all those hours practicing Japanese that I barely use and am starting to forget. (EEK.)

Plus it's cute to be hearing some song in Japanese and then hear a random phrase or word in English thrown in.

Namie Amuro, Mayu Kitaki, Puffy Amiyumi and Utada Hikaru rock!



::: posted by sugar at 10:11 AM



Tuesday, September 03, 2002 :::
 
to make a long story short

I got to thinking how it's ironic that one can tell a story in long or short form. Many times I feel the need to take out certain details for the sake of...i don't know what. me? the other people who are key characters in the story? i mean, the story still maintains its integrity in the short version, but is it really just the constraints of time that motivate me to skip certain details? or am i simply building higher and thicker walls? am i becoming the person that used to frustrate me? or just older and wiser?

of course it's every person's perrogative to guard their privacy. but when does it become excessive? when does it become an unnecessary fear or revealing too much? as if the truth wouldn't show itself in time anyway right?

While Madonna was married to Sean Penn, she recorded a song for a movie that he did. The song was called "Live To Tell" and even listening to it back then had the strangest effect on me. As the title suggests, it has to do with a person that has (too many) secrets yet you can sense is looking for a way to be released from it.

"A man can tell a thousand lies, I learned my lesson well
Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned
Til then, it will burn inside of me...

...If I ran away, I'd never have the strength to go very far
How will they hear the beating of my heart?
Will it grow cold, this secret that I hide
Will I grow old?
How will they hear, when will they learn, how will they know?"

True, this song is kind of extreme. But it came to mind nonetheless.

I must say, it is liberating to be able to tell someone the long version.

::: posted by sugar at 4:19 AM



Monday, September 02, 2002 :::
 
"Sha la la la la la la la la la la di da..."

[OK, I'm on a blogging spree!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh....The following actually used to longer but got edited for clarity's sake.]

[Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" is one of the best songs ever ever ever.]

[In spite of this,] Three times in one day I was asked what my favorite song was, and three times I was stuck with saying "Uhhhh......"

It's not that I don't have one, it's that I have too many! Can we say 30GB of mp3...all sitting archived on CD-Rs on my desk?!

Music is in my blood for life, man. My heart beats in 4/4 time, andante (unless otherwise motivated *wink*). My life plays out to the greatest soundtrack of all time. I can be piano or I can be forte. I can be sharp but rarely ever flat. My performance days are long gone, but give me a keyboard and some time and I just might surprise you. I may not be a first soprano anymore, but I can find a harmony to soothe your soul. Anyone got a flute for sale? They used to get such a bad rap back in the day. But thank goodness for jazz! I remember the first competition piece I learned was Romeo and Juliet's love theme by Tchaikovsky. I also remember how mad I was that the medal I won broke! It's like that feeling when you catch a really big fish but no one's there to see and everyone thinks you're full of it. I remember wishing that someone in my family or my best friend at the time had been there to see me.

My parents are both easy listening types (K101 before it became that Star-whatever station and KOIT)...but aside from that Dad's favorites are opera and spanish music. Mom is the Celine Dion, romantic piano fanatic. Although she gets all excited when she hears music from her step aerobics class on the hip-hop and house stations.

My brother is a rocker at heart. Metallica, Megadeath, Rush, Black Sab/Ozzy, Van Halen...this is the stuff I'd hear after school as a kid. Mixed in with Run DMC, Sugarhill Gang, Funkmaster Flex, De La Soul...etc. Time and circumstance added trance and alternative to the mix in the future. (For some reason, I can not bring myself to share his interest in Weezer. Is it the name? How they look? Or that damn song "Buddy Holly" that makes me wanna yack?) But it all started back in the days when KMEL still had the camel for a mascot.

My sister introduced me to the Modern Rock Revolution, as Live 105 (SF's 105.3) called it, and gave me an idea of what the "older kids" considered pop. Depeche Mode, New Order, The Cure, Erasure, Spandau Ballet, Wham, The Police, OMD, Duran Duran... Any song that was in any Brat Pack/John Hughes movie was golden. And there were also the imports from our relatives overseas, who had better access to Euro pop and of course Asian pop music. Kylie Minogue (after "Locomotion" but before she was in "Love at First Sight"), The Coors, Ariel Rivera, Regine Velasquez, Mike Francis, Basia...etc.

Then there's me. By the time you get to me, I'm just...borderline confused. (kidding) I just had tons of choices! The first two cassette tapes I remember hocking from my sister (since my brother's stuff was always off-limits) were Madonna's first album (I'm sure my family's glad that "repeat" was not available back then) and Lionel Richie's "Can't Slow Down". But the kids at school were listening to Freestyle stuff like Stevie B, The Cover Girls, Sweet Sensation...etc. And then there was New Kids on the Block. (LOL) That and MTV forever changed the girls my age.

I managed to take as many music lessons as I could get away with. Glee club was fun, school musicals when I got picked, piano lessons after school and on weekends were great, but I wanted to play in the band with my friends. Imagine that - I went to a school where the band kids were the cool kids! (Cuz this one time, at band camp...) Economics would deem the flute as my instrument of choice, but the sax...dayamn...ah well couldawouldashoulda.

So back to the original question (who's still awake after that tangent?) of what my favorite song is, or what my favorites could be. Err....uhm...let me just tell you about a song that I really love that not many people remember...

One of the best moments in The Shawshank Redemption is when Andy plays the "Duettino Sull'aria" from Mozart's Il Nozze de Figaro (The Marriage of Figaro). In the opera, the characters singing are the Countess and her maid Susanna, who is engaged to Figaro. The Count is being shady and trying to seduce Susanna, and being very obvious to everyone. The Countess hatches a plan to teach her husband a lesson, using an identity switch with Susanna. The Aria is the Countess dictating a letter, with Susanna repeating it back as she writes.

In the movie, there are two moments happening simultaneously - the rising voices of the two sopranos (who are somehow anonymous but we know they were members of the Berlin Opera) and the rising spirit of Andy and his fellow inmates. Higher and higher the two forces challenge and carry each other until they become the same thing. Here is the ultimate point and goal of any great song - to take you to a place that was unknown to you in everyday life. Where all you have are the notes in your ear and everything else ceases to exist, even for just a moment.

There are critics that feel that this song did not belong in the soundtrack, and the scene was unnecessary. I feel the exact opposite. Andy is detained in solitary confinement for two weeks for his impromptu concert. The conversation he has with Red upon his release is not only a great explanation for his actions, it illustrates one of the main themes of the entire story.

Andy: I had Mr. Mozart to keep me company. (He points and taps his head) It was in here. (And he gestures over his heart) And in here. That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you. Haven't you ever felt that way about music?...Here's where it makes the most sense. We need it so we don't forget...that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone, that there's, there's somethin' inside that they can't get to, that they can't touch. It's yours.

Red: What are you talkin' about?

Andy: Hope.

This holds true for people living in a prison of stone or of emotional walls, trapped by circumstance or of their own doing. We all need to remember not to be bitter or jaded forever. That deep down inside of your soul lies the person you really are and are possibly afraid to be. We are all turtles in our own way, that wear are own shells to protect ourselves from repeat injuries. But hearing a song of love, hope or happiness can call out to that dormant part of us all and set us free.

I thank God that I was blessed with the ability to hear. I hope that this, and my other four senses, will continue to help me experience life in all its forms.

::: posted by sugar at 7:59 AM



Sunday, September 01, 2002 :::
 
me...a fan?

What the heck is it about George Clooney?

The guy is 16 years older than me...making him 41 as of today. If the average 41-year old guy tried to talk to me, I'd be like uhhhh...dood I put the limit at 40.

But dayamn that guy knows how to wear a suit! *wink*

He had that *hair* during the last years of the Facts of Life, does anyone else remember George the handyman? And he was Rosanne's sister's boyfriend, right? Everyone said he was groovy on Sisters too, but I never watched the show. Watching ER was never the same for me after Doug left.

I just thought it was ironic that I watched a whole bunch of his movies in the past few days...The Peacemaker, Batman and Robin, One Fine Day, From Dusk Til Dawn, Out of Sight, (let's forget about The (im)Perfect Storm), and Ocean's Eleven.

I guess he fits that whole terrible category...handsome,funny, witty, charming, charismatic, confident, blah blah blah. In the fine print it says "forever bachelor." *wink*

But I'd still have dinner with the guy. (hee hee)

::: posted by sugar at 11:32 AM


 
seriously, this is exactly what I got!


I'm Rogue


Well Ah do declare, Sugah! Looks like you're everyone's favourite Southern Belle: Rogue. You're beautiful, charming and tough as nails, but you've got a romantic streak as wide as the white in your hair. Yup, it appears you've got it all, except for the fact that you have to keep people at arm's length all the time and then angst about it incessantly.

What X-Men Character are You?

::: posted by sugar at 9:35 AM

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"The Things We Think, But Do Not Say"